Pretending I Saw the MacBooks Yesterday 💻

I am currently in a cabin without internet access, so I have no idea what the new MacBook Pros look like. I wrote this ahead of time as if I know what happened. You know more than me.

A render of the new MacBook Pro that may or may not be accurate!

So I’m currently writing this Sunday night, approximately 16 hours before Monday’s Apple event. I’m going out of town tomorrow, and the cabin reportedly does not have Wi-Fi, so I likely will not have any idea of what Apple released on Monday. I’ll be left guessing until my 5G signal re-emerges.

But because I speculate about Apple, that’s what I’m going to do. As you read this on Tuesday morning, I must warn you: I have no clue what Apple is going to release, and I’m going to look like a big dummy if my speculation is all wrong, but I’m going to analyze anyway!

(I am intentionally scheduling it this way, on the off chance I look like a genius for guessing!)

But let me just say: I have never understood the appeal of the notch. It feels like a company giving up on working around a hardware limitation and trying to make it seem like it was an intentional choice. They probably think of it like a hipster or lieutenant governor in a downtown loft might think of all the poles in their home. They weren’t built to be load-bearing, they’re aesthetic!

So when I heard over the weekend that the notch was potentially coming to the MacBook Pro, I honestly felt a great sense of disappointment about it, because it felt like, again, design process got in the way of actual consumer use cases.

(Is this what actually happened? I have no idea, but the rumor sites sure got really intently focused on the notch over the past day or two, so that is what I have to work with. You know more than me! I am past Ernie, trying to see into the future!)

These laptops I haven’t seen look amazing, buffed into the greatest form. Inevitably there will be something terribly controversial on them—my bet is that they will intentionally design them so you can’t use the existing ecosystem of USB-C chargers as they try to get the MagSafe genie back in the bottle.

But I mean, let’s be honest; as long as these computers don’t overheat while idling, like the prior generation of 15 and 16-inch MacBook Pros famously did, is there really anything to complain about? It’s worth keeping in mind that the original PowerBook G3, code-named Kanga, sold for $5,600 in 1997 money, and even models that came out a few years later started at $2,500 … roughly the same price as the 16ish-inch MacBook that was probably announced yesterday. And look how far we’ve come! We have screens that are significantly better, devices that are way thinner, and silicon that seems to have been created through the roses of magic.

It’s far too easy to complain about any of this stuff, and I know that I complain a lot. But let’s face it: Odds are that, as long as Apple didn’t decide to deck out every laptop in Space Teal, you are probably going to find a lot to like about this device.

If you read this and know differently from me, congratulations, you are not writing about this with a handicap like I am. I hope Tim Cook gave you everything you wanted yesterday so you can enjoy buying Macs again. I know it took a while to get to this point, but trust me, you may be feeling pretty happy right now.

Unless the notch is too big. Then I’m there with you with my pitchfork, on the way to Cupertino.

Time limit given ⏲: 30 minutes

Time left on clock ⏲: 1 minute, 57 seconds

Ernie Smith

Your time was just wasted by Ernie Smith

Ernie Smith is the editor of Tedium, and an active internet snarker. Between his many internet side projects, he finds time to hang out with his wife Cat, who's funnier than he is.

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